This was something I wrote a year ago, a few days after I was able to go ‘no contact’ with the Narcissist. It was helpful to me, today, to read it through.
I hope it proves helpful to you, as well.
I have not spoken to or seen the Narcissist since going no contact.
The idea that all the turmoil of the past few years is finally coming to a close is stunning.
Within a month I’ll have moved into a newly renovated(ish) home of my own.
I’m elated and yet still in shock. I wanted everything with the house buyout settlement to work out so badly. For weeks it kept being delayed, and despite my requests, then begging, then legal action, I wasn’t given any information about the cause for such a significant delay.
The bright side was that the Narcissist continued to behave in a manner that confirmed my decision to leave him. The downside was having no idea when I would be able to finally go “no contact.”
I got to a point where I couldn’t even allow myself hope. I didn’t think it would work out.
And yet, it did. Granted, with only two days to spare before I was scheduled to close on my new home, but what matters is it went through.
I do not have to suffer through months of fixing up and selling the house. I can leave the Narcissist and the house we once owned together behind me.
I can move on. It’s over. It’s actually over. At long last, I can go completely ‘no contact’ with the Narcissist.
This whole experience, the relationship with the Narcissist and the breakup, has presented such amazing opportunity for growth.
I learned so much about focusing on desired outcomes, knowing my worth, standing up for myself, and not sweating the small stuff.
I learned to have confidence things will work out while understanding I can handle it if they do not.
I learned the importance of staying present in reality and not getting sucked into the emotions of imagined future scenarios.
I learned I’m much stronger than I ever previously gave myself credit for.
And I learned a lot about things I still need to work on, particularly the importance of letting go of shame.
He told me repeatedly I was deeply flawed and he was right, and it’s okay that I knew that, and heard him, and wanted to work on myself. That alone was not what was wrong with the relationship.
Hearing him, loving him, wanting to grow and wanting to make him happy does not need to be a cause of shame. That alone is not where I lost myself.
I can appreciate lessons learned from him and simultaneously appreciate that we were not good together.
The relationship failing is not a personal failure.
However, there were a lot of things that happened that simply were not okay. The Narcissist was abusive towards me. Until the relationship ended and I no longer was the focus of his actions I was not able to fully process the abuse.
In the course of making those realizations and starting to become whole again, I learned that I can fall apart.
I can lose control. The world will not stop turning, people will not stop loving me and supporting me, and being open about my pain allows my tribe to teach me how to make it through.
I learned who to go to when I want to be pulled out of the muck and who will be there for me when I need to wallow. I developed a renewed appreciation for having a variety of friendships in my life.
I learned being weak and emotionally vulnerable presents an opportunity for learning and growth when one knows good people.
I learned I know seriously good people.
Finally, I learned who I am and strength in Self. I developed confidence and awareness that I’m certain will result in a happier, healthier life from this point forward.
As my nana said the other day, “I know your future will be a happy one because you now know the difference.”
It’s been eight months since I experienced my blinding flash of truth and ended my relationship with the Narcissist. Yet it’s been only three weeks since I moved out. It’s been two days since I was able to remove myself from his sphere of influence completely. It’s been two days since I was able to go no contact.
I’m at the beginning of an entirely new chapter. C’mon world. Let’s do this.