Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook friends and family,

I’ve been dishonest with you. I’ve withheld truths.

I brought you along on last year’s journey through posting in a ‘365 days of joy’ photo album. Then I stopped talking to you as soon as the year ended.

You were there for me each and every day last year. You were supporting me and rooting for me, and when the year was over I stopped trusting you to continue doing so.

I went underground. I started a private blog, a private twitter account, a private Instagram feed. I did all of that instead of connecting with all of you. I pulled away and I isolated myself.

For this, I am sorry.

You deserved my trust, and I deserved your support.

You deserved my trust, and I deserved your support.

I’ve been trying to carry my weight on my own since January 1 instead of leaning on all of you, and it hasn’t been working. The effort has failed. I’m not doing well. I’m lonely and, quite frankly, I miss you.

Obviously, my ex is no longer in my life. I survived last year and have moved on. The thing is, his words and behavior still resonate in my head. I have, in essence, become my own abuser.

It is his voice in my head that tells me all of you got sick of hearing how I was doing. It is this voice that says I am annoying; my life is boring and nobody wants to hear anything about me.

It is this voice that makes me believe nobody cares about me. This is the voice that tells me people judge me for not “just getting over it already.”

This voice says it’s been over a year and a half since the breakup. It’s been over a year since I moved out. What’s the problem?

I do battle with this voice constantly.

I fight it through writing and being visible. I fight it by allowing others to see me and support me. Those ‘others’ are mostly strangers, though.

I have been hiding from you.

Hiding and feeling shame for my current state serves nobody. It does a disservice to me, but more so to you, because it assumes you will react poorly to the truth of how I am doing.

Here is the truth:

This is hard. This is work. This is a daily struggle and lots of tears.

This is part depression, part anxiety, and a hefty dose of PTSD.

This is trying to silence years of my ex saying I was flawed and broken. Years of hearing my mind was not trustworthy.

His voice is not my reality any longer and yet it is more real and more terrible than ever.

The reason I am not “just over it already” is because I was systematically dismantled, piece by piece.

This was no normal break-up or relationship: this was a set-up for covert and insidious murder of your psyche and sense of safety in the world.
Shahadi Arabi, “11 Signs You’re The Victim of Narcissistic Abuse

This is why it is now a struggle to stay grounded in truth and self and wisdom.

This requires lots of therapy. Yes, I am still going to therapy.

I also use a lot of herbal remedies to treat depression, anxiety, and insomnia.

I am working hard to realize that I am a valid, whole human being with agency and awareness.

And yet, I am not well.

I am not well, but I am okay. I am not in danger. I am sad and scared and lonely almost all the time, but I am okay.

I confess the reason I have not shared a lot of this with you is that I have feared your reactions.

I have feared your judgement.

To those who judge me, please unfriend me and go away. Please don’t keep me around for your gossip and entertainment. It is you I fear most. I know you are there, reading this. I beg of you, remove yourself from my life.

To everyone else, I welcome your support if you are inclined to offer it.

Please understand support is different from help. I do not need your help. I am working with professionals and you are not one.

I also do not need your pity.

But I do need your support. I need to know you are on my side and you believe in me.

If you are uncertain how to speak to me, you can google things like, “what do I say to someone with depression?” You will find a lot of lovely and useful advice.

Please also take note of the “things not to say” results that will turn up in your search.

What to say:
I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.

What NOT to say:
Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days.
10 Things to Say (and 10 Not to Say) to Someone With Depression

Please understand I am afraid of you right now, as I am of every person on this planet. I want to allow you to be close to me but I am terrified.

I promise I will try to do better to trust you in the future. I have zero evidence that any of you are out to get me. I know depression lies and I recognize this lie was a big one. I am sorry I believed it.

I am trying, in posting this, to negate it.

Thank you for your time.

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4 thoughts on “Dear Facebook

Add yours

  1. “Please understand I am afraid of you right now, as I am of every person on this planet. I want to allow you to be close to me but I am terrified.”

    I know this fear and I know how it feels to hide it behind a mask so bright and so impermeable that you dread pulling it off, even in private, for fear of facing the brittle and pale creature beneath it. I forget sometimes that the mask isn’t me. Those times are the worst. In those moments, the voice in my mind is my own – telling me I’m nowhere near enough, that my failures hurt everyone I love, that whatever I think I am, the truth is so much uglier.

    The lies depression tells us are dark and sticky things. They can leave residue even when love washes the worst of it away.

    I have learned to fight it by moving slowly and deliberately, by staying still when I feel like I will be sucked under… like Indiana Jones in quicksand.

    You seem to be fighting it by throwing down that hard and shiny mask and turning your face toward the sun…moving toward the warmth.

    Thank you for doing so in such a public way. You set an example and I appreciate you.

    However we fight…. let’s keep doing it together.

    Liked by 1 person

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